her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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