I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
