Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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