I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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