I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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