I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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