I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
