Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
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It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
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You need Xanax blowdarts
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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