you guys were way drunker than both of me
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
