Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
