Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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