i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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