highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize