that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
