you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
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