Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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