Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
