i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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