Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
My vagina just recognized that song.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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