So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
