when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
