were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I'm both gender and math confused
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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