the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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