This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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