i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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