I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
