promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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