my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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