I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
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Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
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What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I think I just sharted jello shots
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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