i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
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I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
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Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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