My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
