I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
My ass is underappreciated
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
