I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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