white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Randomize
