im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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