What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
