oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
