she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
