I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
