My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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