Your face is a jimmy john
I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
