I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
