here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I have peed in a lot of sinks
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
