i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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