Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
