i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
