Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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