ya dads aren't the best wingmen
my sisters under your porch take her home
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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