U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
