I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
