I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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