Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
