I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Randomize
